Life Or Death

It seems I like to create drama for myself. I had an unsuccessful conversation with the Psychiatric Acute Care (PAC) team about how I was feeling extremely suicidal whilst in respite and was told that they couldn’t do anything for me as they were just too busy. Maybe someone would come out to see me that evening but bet on them not being able to and there was no room in the psych ward so I’d be confined to a police cell if I was indeed picked up for any reason. The woman I spoke to was very apologetic and in a position where she really couldn’t help me. I was so angry with the system, having been told that morning to “go sit in the sun” to make myself feel better. I was feeling so utterly let down again and out of control of my emotions. I left respite without telling anyone, jumped in my car and headed for the greenest spot I could find on Google Maps with the intent of hanging myself.

I did talk to a friend via Facebook messenger whilst on my mission and I probably owe her my life. She kept me talking and eventually messaged my partner who called the police.

Once I finally found a spot I could stop at I got my bungee cords out of the back of the car. With other people in the car park I decided to sit in my car for a bit, I tied the bungees around my neck discovering I couldn’t cut off my circulation due to them being too stretchy, I’d need my body weight. No sooner than I figured this out a police car pulled up behind me and my plans were thwarted. I complied with the officers, locked my car up and went with them to the hospital. We waited ages at the hospital, the Emergency Department was slammed and I think we were forgotten about. We were finally taken through to talk to the psychiatric liaison and it was decided I would go back to respite with the promise my clinical team would be in touch in the morning. 

My key worker did call in the morning and I was expecting him to visit around 10am which was pushed out to 3pm as he cancelled appointments to come and see me. We talked for two hours. I felt a little better and am impressed with how he manages to validate my feelings but also defuse the situation. Still feeling suicidal but with no real plans and a promise to call if I needed help we planned a second meeting for the following day. We went through all my DBT skills and I had been using them to help myself.

Slowly, each day became easier and the suicidal ideation began to shrink. I still have the same thoughts and feelings, but somehow they are not as massive in my head. This is the usual course when going through one of these episodes. I always feel like I’m not being taken seriously, that how could they even suggest I’ll feel better in a few days, what magic will happen to get me out of this hell hole, yet every time, a little bit of time is what it takes to settle things down.

It is scary getting to the point of feeling at the end of your ability to cope, to think strongly about suicide and even go through the motions or make an attempt. It terrifies me. I’m always scared at that point of actually going through with it,, it’s what I want to do but something in me still wants to save me. I just wish there was a huge epiphany at the end as to why it’s a bad idea. My mindset hasn’t really changed, I’ve just kind of blocked things out for a bit so I know it’s only a matter of time before it happens again. Each time there are new ideas on how I’ll do it and the lethality has definitely increased. One day I fear I won’t be able to be saved. My pain will be over but so will my life.